Pardon me, but has anybody seen my dignity?

I freak out easily. I am already freaked out that we aren't 100% prepared for Ava's arrival, even though that's not for another twelve weeks. (I fully intend to be ready at least a month in advance, just in case. Nursery done, supplies purchased, etc.) I am freaked out about my leaving my students in someone else's hands for approximately nine weeks. I refuse to take birth classes, for the sole reason that it will freak me out. (Like I don't already know what's coming...the baby is either going to be exiting via the normal way or the doctor will be cutting me open and removing her. Either way I am going to be as drugged as they will allow. Do I really need any more of the gory details?)

So with all the freaking out over preparation, maternity leave, and giving birth; it never occurred to me to freak out about what was going to happen after delivery. It's all good, right? Sure, we won't sleep, we'll have this tiny little person to take care of, but we can handle it. We both have younger siblings that we'd bathed and changed and fed back in the day, and I did a lot of baby-sitting. Well that's not what I'm talking about. I am pretty sure giving birth will be gross...pain, blood, etc....but I didn't realize how utterly disgusting my body was going to be AFTER the birth. I thought, okay, so I'll bleed. I'll be sore. I'll have an oddly distorted midsection that I'll have to get back into shape. No biggie....women are accustomed to bleeding, and I can deal with the soreness and having to exercise.

Then I read THIS in one of my stupid, way-too-graphic pregnancy books:

"5th Week Home: Bladder and bowel control have returned..."

Wait a minute, WHAT?!?!?! WHERE DID THE CONTROL GO FOR FIVE WEEKS IN THE FIRST PLACE?? ARE YOU KIDDING ME???? This has to be a joke. I don't intend to squeeze a baby from my bladder nor from my bowels, why do we have to mess them up too?? I thought I was changing BABY diapers, not my own! Come ON!!! NOT FAIR!!!!

That was just one of the many pleasantries I encountered in the book, and it being the most pleasant, I just had to share. I'm happy about this baby but please, everyone needs to give me about a week to get a grip before reminding me what a miracle this is or I could get violent. You know what would be a miracle? Craig giving birth to our next child. Although, there may not be a next one if that bladder thing is true. BLEEHHHHHH.

All right...be positive. Think happy thoughts....be happy....be positive...

(SEE, I'M TRYING!)

Okay, found a happy thought: Ava kicked like crazy today. I LOVE that.