Kicking and Screaming

 CJ is 72 days old today!

The title of today's post does not refer to one of my children (although both of them do plenty of it), but rather how I feel like I'm getting through life right now. By now, anyone reading this is probably aware of my difficulties with Ava (thank God for Mike and Gio and all of the attention they're giving her this week!)...we've figured out she's mostly bad when Craig is around, probably because when he's home it throws off her routine and she is very emotional regarding his coming and going. Although she does require some mommy attention (mostly for her bedtime routine), she's been happy to let my brother and his girlfriend spoil her. CJ is a good baby, but he's still a baby and I forgot that with them, if it's not one thing it's another: we survived the peak of fussiness (3-6 weeks), and then he started teething. I'm pretty sure I can feel one tooth on the verge of poking through, aaaaaaand now he appears to have hit a growth spurt. (Not sleeping as long at night, naps aren't as good, fusses and tires easily, eats a lot more.) He's passed out on my bed right now and that has given me time to straighten up the house, make lunch, and start this post...we'll see if I get to finish it or not... ;o) Ava is at a nearby lake with Mike and Gio, I wanted to go but it's just hot and humid enough to make it too uncomfortable for the baby. Disappointed but enjoying the quiet and calm around here for as long as it will last!

 Poor CJ! We see this face a lot these days.

Anyhow, I feel like I've finally hit some sort of stride around here but many days I also feel like I struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by feelings of despondency. When I don't have guests and Craig isn't around (which is most of the time), it's very lonely and can be overwhelming. I miss my job, I miss my friends, I miss having a shred of sanity and simple things like washing my face before noon or eating food that isn't stone cold. I feel inadequate for not having a job outside the home, and then I feel guilty for feeling that being a full-time mom is not something of which to be proud. Sometimes I feel like an extension of Craig rather than my own person...does that make sense? It bothers me that on our tax forms I will be listed as a "dependent"....can't they list me as a "wife who had a good job that she was good at but is taking a few years off to take care of the kids and the household because her husband works all the time and is going back to school"? I mean, is that so much to ask? ;o) In addition to being good for our family, this staying home thing is a lesson in humility and keeping one's pride in check.

I don't want to sound like I'm complaining, rather, I'm just laying everything out. I know there are so many mothers who's struggles are a hundred times greater than mine: real single moms (as opposed to my part-time single mom-ness), military families, etc. It's not easy but I DO realize that we are--that I am--incredibly, undeservedly, blessed. Not a day goes by without me falling a little more in love with my sweet CJ. Even on Ava's worst days, when I'm tucking her into bed I just want to hold my crazy little firecracker of a daughter (she comes by it honest) and stop her from growing up. And even though Craig and I don't seem to understand each other much right now because we're both dealing with stressful but completely different situations, we both agree that: 1.) that's okay, and 2.) we'll get through it, and most of all 3.) we love each other and have a good thing going.

(Note: I realize the picture quality is poor these days: our camera is broken (Craig is supposed to be sending it to Sony for repair, not sure if it's actually happening or not) so I've been taking pictures on my iPhone 3. Sorry!)