Roller Coaster

This has been the most emotional week I have ever had as a pregnant person: that includes my first pregnancy, finding out I was pregnant both times, finding out Ava was a girl, giving birth, you name it. I did not see this coming...I knew it would be a big deal, but I didn't think finding out the gender of my second and final child would be such a big deal. I'm going to try to explain everything that's been going on: some people are very understanding, others...not so much.

--I wanted a second girl more than ANYTHING. My heart was absolutely set on it...I have two brothers, who I love dearly, but my mom would work night shift at the hospital and it would just be me, Dad, and the boys. We don't have a big extended family but we didn't see my two female cousins very often, one of them being about ten years older than me and out on her own, and the other we saw maybe once a year. The families we saw frequently each have one son. I feel like I've been alone in a sea of testosterone  my whole life. Now you are probably thinking that having one daughter should've cured that...no, I wanted Ava to have a sister. I wanted so badly for my kids to have a gender bond that I have never experienced. I know some people have same-gendered siblings they don't get along with, but just as many opposite-gendered siblings have that problem too....so why not wish for two girls? If Ava had been a boy, I probably wouldn't have cared THIS much about the second kid's gender, but it would have been nice to have another boy in that case.

--We have more girl stuff than I care to admit...Ava isn't turning three for another few weeks and yet I'm pretty sure we have at least four large tupperware bins of outgrown clothing of hers in the attic, with more in the closet that just hasn't been packed up yet. I was really, really looking forward to using it again: not just for saving money, but because the one thing that saved me from  melting down when I packed those things away was that I was CERTAIN we'd use them again. I really, really thought we'd have another girl. I didn't doubt it for a minute, although I have no idea why. And most boy clothes? I'm so NOT a fan. Everything is covered in dinosaurs, bugs, puppies, or trucks. ANNOYING.

--I didn't think we were having the gender revealed on Wednesday as much as we were going to just confirm what I already knew: girl. I also looked at FOUR of those Chinese birth chart things online (I know it's junk science but it was fun, and it worked with Ava) and they all said girl. I had girl names picked out. I had a girl nursery picked out. I was warning people not to buy my daughters matching clothes because that's one of my pet peeves. To say I was shocked to see on ultrasound what I thought was my daughter with a set of testicles is the understatement of the year. I laughed because I didn't believe it, then I cried. I've cried a lot since then...it's not that I'm sad I'm having a boy, I'm grieving over the knowledge that this is it: there are no more chances. I will never have girls, plural. There would've been some sadness if the baby had been a girl, because it would mean I'd never raise a boy...but Billy is nine years younger than me. I changed diapers, fed him, bathed him when he woke up with poop up to his neck...I feel like I got at least a little of the experience already.

--I've been offended, or at least annoyed, by some of the comments people have made, such as, "I was hoping you'd have a boy!" Oh really? Why, out of spite because you knew how badly I wanted a girl?! These are people who will have no relationship with the child, why on earth do they care???? My family members are the only people allowed to say that, since this is their son/grandson/nephew/etc and they will have a relationship with him for the rest of their lives. I know some people who are excited simply because THEY have boys and that I understand...being happy for me because you love your own son is different from wishing I'd have a specific gender (when I wanted the opposite) for no real reason. My favorite is, "One of each! Now you have a complete set!" Oh, because families with all girls or boys are somehow incomplete? Because I'm starting a collection?!?! What the heck is that all about? I've NEVER wanted one boy and one girl....there's just something so Dick and Jane about it, it annoys me. Not that it's bad, mind you, it just wasn't for me (well, I guess now it is, I have no choice ;o).  Probably the best situation is four kids--two boys and two girls--because then everyone has opposite-gendered siblings and a same-gendered sibling. But I'm so not going there! Here's a good one: "Now you have someone to carry on the name!" Oh, is this the middle ages? Are we royalty? WHO CARES! Craig wasn't close to his dad anyhow, and it's just a name. Big deal...if last names were that important to me, I'd never have given mine up in the first place.  Last but not least--and this isn't offensive but I just don't get it--"Boys love their moms!" Well, I'm sure that's true....but so do girls. I kind of expect that my child will love me regardless of gender... ;o) When my little girl grabs my hand and says, "You're my best friend!" or throws her arms around my neck and says, "Mommy, I'm so glad you're here! I love you so much!" I feel pretty loved...not sure how a boy will do that better.

--Before you start thinking I'm clearly the most horrible person in the world, I *am* starting to warm up a bit. There are definitely of pros to having a boy:

1. Ava is insane. When people at work are talking about things their sons do and putting a "boys will be boys" label on it, I have to point out that my daughter does the same things. She loves to dress like a princess but act like a pirate. If I'm honest, I have to admit that a boy will be more her equal than, say, a sweet little girly-girl. If we'd gotten a gentle, feminine little thing Ava would've destroyed her.

2. I understand boy behavior, having been around it my whole life. A boy who pretends a stick (or a bread crust, like my brother Mike) is a gun isn't violent, he's a boy. Boys turn EVERYTHING into weapons. They draw pictures of soldiers on dinosaurs blowing things up. I am okay with this.

3. Two girls would've been double the girl drama. I don't do girl drama. For the most part, the middle school boys are way easier to deal with than the girls.

4. Only one wedding to pay for! Okay, that was Craig's comment....I don't really care. But I guess it's true.

5. I found a pirate nursery online. I can live with that. It's a little bit cartoony, which I don't like, but it isn't bad and I don't have to use all of the pieces from the collection, just a few key ones that I can supplement with other things. Yeah, I still like the girl stuff better....but pirates are pretty awesome.  Ava loves it and is looking forward to helping me decorate.

6. Craig is THRILLED. Although I have to admit I only care about this a little bit, because he didn't care about the gender like I did. He isn't one of those guys who has to prove his manliness by producing a male child, so I thought, what better guy to have two girls? But, whatever.

It'll all be fine in the end...it's not like I will love my child less because it happens to have a different set of genitals than what I expected. I have actually talked to a couple of people who had a second child that was not the gender they were expecting or hoping for, and of course they love their kids but at least understand where I'm coming from. It's just taking some getting used to is all.