“Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.”
--Elizabeth Stone
I'm trying to collect my thoughts so I can adequately express myself (not one of my strengths), and I've started and deleted the opening sentence half a dozen times already. Last night I had an emotional meltdown brought on by cleaning. Yes...cleaning. More specifically, cleaning out CJ's closet and putting away the newborn clothes he'd outgrown so I could make room for the 3-6 month sizes. I was fine during the sorting process: it was a couple hours later, when I was cleaning up after dinner with CJ snuggled against me in the Moby that I lost it. All at once it hit me...I no longer had a newborn baby and would never have another one. As sweet as he was at that very moment, it would be over in the blink of an eye. I cried for hours, I second-guessed our decision to be done having kids, and I grieved the closing of that chapter of my life. Later this week I have to go through Ava's closet and even though I may get teary, there's just nothing like putting away that first set of baby clothes. I cried years ago when I put away Ava's, but it was different: there was still the possibility that those clothes would be worn again, the knowledge that there would be more newborns (or newborn, singular ;o) in our family. Realizing that's now completely behind us is hitting me harder than I ever expected. In fact, having kids in general has left my emotions in a more tender state than I care to admit, and it seems to be permanent. No matter how many tantrums are thrown, no matter how much sleep is lost, I'm all kinds of crazy for my babies, and watching them grow up is both wonderful and heartbreaking.
Yes, I realize it does not have to be behind us--we can have another one! But if I start thinking like that, having babies every time it makes me sad to put away baby clothes, we'll end up with twenty kids. ;o) My moment of weakness, of thinking, "Well, who knows? Maybe in a few years we'll change our minds..." was followed immediately by a flashback of my last pregnancy, and I know I will never do it again. (Unless for some reason Craig suddenly decides he really, really wants a third child...I would do it for him. But he wasn't even sure he wanted a second child so I don't see that happening.) I don't do pregnancy very well, childbirth is a nightmare and the recovery is no picnic, and the first two months of caring for a new baby are layers of bliss sandwiched between slices of sleep-deprived hell. I am so thankful to be undeservedly blessed with two beautiful, healthy children and I'm going to try to enjoy every moment of their childhood and not take it for granted (that does NOT mean I won't whine about stuff...there's no fun in being a big flippin' ray of sunshine 24/7), but as Craig pointed out, we still have a few years before they're really fun. I mean, I'm enjoying them now--the funny things Ava says, CJ being the sweetest baby alive--but in a few years when tantrums and diapers are behind us, it's an entirely different kind of fun.
So, that's what is going through my mind lately...as difficult as it has been to transition from working and having a life to myself to stay-at-home mom, I am not going to take it for granted and am so grateful for this opportunity to spend time with my kids.
An over-the-shoulder view of CJ sleeping against me in the Moby.
CJ in a sweater knit by one of my mother-in-law's friends: it's gorgeous and soft and snuggly, and will fit a little better in a few months when it's cold out.
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