Career Moves

Craig and I do not share a checking account: we've always both had jobs, he's always traveled for work, and we've each taken responsibility for certain bills over the years, so it didn't make sense to merge. (We do have a joint money market account to which we both contribute.) So a few months ago when he started questioning me about what I spend on things (groceries, day care for Ava, electric bill, etc.) I figured he was just trying to get the big picture about our money--even though I contribute financially, he does bring home more bacon than I do. ;o) Then about a month ago he dropped a bomb on me: I was on my way out the door for a massage and he said, "I don't think you should work for a few years after the baby is born."

Wow....WOW.

I've never thought of myself as stay-at-home mom material: I have always taken pride in having a career (maybe too much pride?) and contributing to our family's financial well-being. I always figured staying at home would drive me crazy and maybe with just Ava to take care of, it would have. I've also liked not having to answer to anybody about what I spend: I pay my share of the bills, contribute to my share of the savings, and then I'm free to spend the rest how I want...if I didn't work, that wouldn't be possible. I'm not a big spender, but I've also never had to budget or really pay attention to what I spend. Craig has also been immensely pleased with being a two-income family and agreed that staying at home would make me insane, so his sudden announcement shocked me, to say the least. However, I have to admit--and anyone who keeps up with my facebook page probably knows this--being pregnant, working full-time, wrangling Ava, taking care of the house, and doing it by myself has really been taking its toll on me. I've been incredibly worried about how I would handle all of those things with an infant thrown in the mix. Craig has been traveling more and more for work (the upside is that he at least makes more money for his efforts, even if I'd rather he was here with us) so I'm on my own most of the time, Monday through Friday. I am stressed out, exhausted, cranky, and stretched too thin to give any one part of my life (family, work, other responsibilities) the proper care and attention it deserves.

Anyhow, after I got over my initial shock and Craig explained how things would work financially, it seemed to make perfect sense. I felt an incredible sense of relief and a weight off of my shoulders that had been there for so long, I almost didn't realize I was carrying it around. I prayed, "God, if this is meant to be, please just let things fall into place." And fall into place they have...financially, emotionally, mentally...I never in a million years would have thought I'd be this excited about giving up my career to stay at home. Not that I don't love my family, I just didn't think it was "me." Now there is so much I am looking forward to: the time with my kids, not having to worry about being a good teacher/reliable employee AND a good mom/wife, being able to keep up with housework and errands during the week so when Craig is home on the weekends, we can just have quality family time, cooking real meals instead of throwing together something that vaguely covers a few food groups after a long day at work. I want to make homemade bread and grow herb gardens that don't die because I'm never around to take care of them. I want to enjoy mornings spend in pajamas with the kids instead of waking them before the sun is up, throwing some clothes on them (yelling at them when they don't cooperate) and tossing something that passes for breakfast in a lunch box and shuffling them off to day care (not that this is BAD, but the poor kids already have one parent who's never home, and not much quality time with the remaining parent).  On the other side of it, I also don't want my career to suffer because I'm the only parent around to take care of this kids if they get sick, have a doctor appointment, etc and am constantly calling in....better to just resign my job over to someone who's able to devote themselves to it more fully. A couple of weeks ago I went in and let administration know I would not be back next year, they're in the process of interviewing for open positions and I wanted to give them ample time to find a replacement, and end things on a good note: this isn't a door I necessarily want to shut (even though I'm also considering going back to school for accounting while I'm home these next few years), and things are ending there on a very positive note: I was told I'd be welcome back if and when I decided I was re-entering the work force. :)

With all the good that's going to come of me being at home, there have been sacrifices: I will have to give up my financial independence and rely on Craig as the sole breadwinner. Like he says, we've never really been the Cleaver family, so this is going to be particularly difficult for me: again, I'm not a big spender but there will be no more Ann Taylor or Baby GAP for awhile--I know Craig won't have a problem with me buying clothes for myself or the kids when necessary, but I've always enjoyed making those purchases for fun, even when it wasn't really needed. (Luckily, I have built up a pretty good wardrobe over the years and not being able to spend freely will definitely encourage me to lose the baby weight and fit into all of my nice stuff...I also have a few gift cards left over from birthday/Christmas that I plan on using for a few staple wardrobe items post-baby.) Although we'll be watching our spending and I will cut out unnecessary purchases, we're fortunately not going to have to live on a strict budget, and Craig won't have a problem with little things like my once-a-week cup of Starbucks when I do my shopping at Super Target. Anyhow, I'm also pretty bummed about having to completely pull Ava from day care: part-time is still too expensive. She absolutely LOVES her teachers and friends, and she's been learning so much since she started: she can count and do letter sounds like a pro, memorizes weekly Bible verses, you name it. It's been so good for her and it breaks my heart to take that away. I plan on doing my own preschool with her and getting involved in things outside of the house (play dates, maybe some other activity) but it isn't the same. Finally, although I'm okay with giving up many aspects of my career, the most difficult part for me to come to terms with has been the fact that I'll no longer be working with my team: I've been blessed in my time at FA to work on a team with some of the most wonderful women I've ever met and I love them dearly. Luckily, we will still see each other as we work on a community project together...so I'm only partially giving that up.

Anyhow, if you are still reading through this rambling post at this point, I don't know if that makes you crazy or really dedicated! ;o) I'm so very blessed that this is an option for our family, and am looking forward to this new adventure! Who knows? Maybe I'll even update the old blog a little more... ;o)