Nine Months

I'm pretty sure that at some point, I said that I make no promises regarding the frequency of my posts. Well, that's my story and I'm sticking to it. ;o) Anyhow, we just had CJ's nine month checkup...he's happy, healthy, and in the 45th percentile across the board! Compared to his sister, he's a peanut! A lot has happened in the past six weeks or so...

--he's been pulling himself up and walking around furniture, which has resulted in a lot of bruises and goose eggs on his noggin. Couldn't figure out why he was so accident prone but after watching closely the other day, I realized he's trying to stand without holding on to anything. Good grief. He also climbed up on the TV stand (no part of him was touching the ground), and all of my dreams of having a child without a death wish/daredevil tendencies went out the window.

--he started eating--as Ava calls it--"human food." Although we've been doing yogurt puffs and cereal puffs for awhile, I've added bits of bread and muffin (kid went bonkers for my pumpkin muffins), Cheerios, diced cooked apples and carrots, shredded cheese, and banana. He's not big on the majority of new foods, but likes the muffins and Cheerios.

--about two weeks ago, I stopped nursing for good. For a few months, I'd been slowly dropping a feeding at a time. For a long time, I nursed first thing in the morning and last thing at night, and if he woke up at night (not a consistent sleeper, but that's another story)...then, for about two weeks, I was only nursing at night, and then I decided at nine months it was time to let go. As someone who has always been easygoing regarding the feeding of my kids (nurse if possible, for as long as it works, but really as long as the kids were being fed and were healthy, I felt like I was doing the right thing for them), stopping was a lot more difficult than I imagined it would be...maybe because it's our last baby, I don't know. But I've been an emotional mess, on and off. More on that later.

--he is on a consistent eating and sleeping schedule and is a good napper--usually 1.5-2 hours AM and PM--but is inconsistent at night. The majority of the time, he goes down around 8pm and wakes around 6am...I give him a bottle and can get another hour or two of sleep out of him at that point. He will sometimes fuss at night, which has prompted me to shut off the baby monitor and just leave the doors open a bit. If he's not loud enough to wake me that way, he doesn't really need me.

--he loves to laugh and smile and is extremely snuggly, and absolutely adores his sister! I hope that continues, because she enjoys the role of big sister/protector.

Anyhow, all is well, in spite of a current sinus infection for CJ. As far as the "emotional mess" part, it has really hit me the past few weeks that this is our last baby. No more babies. Each stage he goes through is the last one we will experience...in some cases, that's a good thing! ;o) But 6-12 months is absolutely wonderful, and I am really going to miss this when it's over. I will even admit that I've questioned our decision to stop at two kids...but there are just too many things working against us that lead me to believe that even in my emotional moments, two is right for this family. Besides, if I decided to have another kid every time I got a little sad about mine growing up, I'd end up with ten of them, you know? ;o) There are also moments of relief in knowing I won't have to be pregnant again, or get up every two hours with a newborn again, etc. It's all good...what a wonderful gift to be given these two beautiful children. Even if the older one is going to drive me to insanity and/or drinking before she even hits elementary school. Speaking of which...

These days, Ava is Ava...as usual. Tantrums still occur, but have mostly given way to defiance. It is exhausting and not all that uncommon for her age (but she's definitely more strong-willed than most), but in her good moments she is fun, loving, and downright hilarious. She's still not sleeping, and out of necessity I have mostly stopped arguing with her: I offer incentives, but in the end if she comes to our room at night, one of us will retreat to her bed and let her stay with the remaining parent. Whatever...if that makes me a crappy mother, just add that to the ever-growing list of things that make me unfit for raising children. Upon a recent visit to the ENT, we discovered she will need her abnormally large tonsils removed, as that's likely a huge issue when it comes to sleep. Hoping and praying that will do the trick.

As far as Craig and I...he's settled into a new position at his company, which has resulted in further distance for travel but more working from home. Not a bad deal, overall...lest you think that "working from home" means we get more time with him, he barricades himself in his office for at least 9 hours on those days, and we do not see him at all. That's how it has to be, and I'm okay with that. Just having him in the same building is enough. I've finally adjusted to being a stay-at-home parent for the most part, and am not in a rush to get back to work...to be honest, "sleeping in" until 7am and wearing slippers during the day has grown on me. ;o) Having said that, I do look forward to re-entering the work force at some point...we would like for that to happen next year (in time for the 2013-14 school year, when Ava starts kindergarten) so we will see what happens. I miss bringing home the bacon...granted, it was significantly less than Craig, but bacon is bacon, people. I am thoroughly enjoying (most of) this time with my kids: Ava gets a full-time mom for her last few years before school, CJ gets a full-time mom for his first few years of life. Not a bad deal for the kiddos.

Alright, I should probably go to bed...nights are unpredictable, and I need my sleep! Craig has offered to get up with the kids, but there's no point: when he gets up with them, he goes back to bed the minute I'm up and then he naps for 3-4 hours, which is worse than me just getting up in the first place. MEN....! ;o)

Ava at Four, CJ at 8 Months

I love how, at the end of the last post, I got cut off and predicted it would be a month before I updated again...haha! Anyhow, it may not be much of an update but I want to try to stay on track and not let too much time pass between posts. So, here it goes:

Ava
...turned four years old a few weeks ago. There was much celebrating this year: a "Tangled" party on New Year's Even with my family in IL, a very small celebration with just the four of us on her actual birthday, and a Star Wars party last weekend with friends. Have I mentioned how much I love that my preschool-age little girl wanted a Star Wars birthday party?! We have raised her well...the Force is strong in this one! ;o) Anyhow, I also had a parent-teacher conference at the preschool this week (kind of intimidating, seeing how this is the first time I've been the parent at one of those things!) and it turns out she is smart, pays attention to details, plays well with kids, follows directions, and is overall pretty well-balanced. Maybe I'm not a totally crappy parent after all: she just saves all of her stubbornness and willful disobedience for me, and doesn't unleash it upon other people. I can live with that. Aside from those things though, she is funny, sweet, articulate, and can be pretty good company.

CJ
...is eight months old today! I assume he's still about 50th percentile for height/weight, at any rate he's wearing mostly 6-9 month clothes so he does seem to be right in the middle. He has started crawling...mostly he does the army crawl but he can do the real thing and let me tell you, that kid can MOVE. Especially if he manages to find a choking hazard within a fifty foot radius. (I will be picking up a play yard for him this week.) He sits up like a champ, takes bottles about 80% of the time (I nurse him when he wakes up in the morning and before bed), eats three meals a day, and likes making chirping, humming, and growling noises, with the occasional babble thrown in. He is happy and snuggly, and a really crappy sleeper. SERIOUSLY....between Ava with her nightmares and restlessness and CJ with his desire to be snuggled and nursed all night (I am working on this, but it isn't going well as he doesn't want to give in any more than I do, and will cry/fuss on and off for hours), I rarely get more than 2-3 hours of sleep at a time, probably averaging 5 hours total a night. Hopefully this will work itself out soon, before I lose my mind...but overall I am enjoying my baby and will be sad to see these days end! (Except for the sleep part...that part cannot end fast enough.)

As far as Ava and CJ's relationship with one another, Ava is mostly good with him: she has appointed herself his guardian, and is great about making sure he's not doing anything that will hurt him, like eating the rocks in the fireplace or chewing on power cords. CJ absolutely adores his big sister and when she's in the room, he will watch EVERYTHING she does. All she has to do is make a funny face and he falls apart giggling...it is so stinkin' cute! I know eventually they will fight and probably even try to beat the crap out of each other, but I hope that for the most part, they can maintain this relationship. They love each other very much. :)

There is so much more I want to write about--Craig got an awesome promotion at work, there are lots of thoughts I'd like to jot down about things in general--but it will have to wait. I'm going to attempt to sleep. If all else fails, I have the coffee maker ready and waiting for me. ;o) Goodnight!

Six Month Stats and a General Update

I'm a little overdue for CJ's six month update--his appointment was two weeks ago, and he weighed in at 17lbs, 2 oz and 26.5 in. That's about the 50th percentile for both. I have no idea about head size, but it's on the smaller size. He takes Zyrtec for what appears to be seasonal allergies (like Ava did), and hopefully he will outgrow them by the time he's three (like Ava did). He is rolling all over the place and tries to get around but hasn't actually attempted crawling, he can sit up with help, and is constantly "talking." I put him to bed around 8pm and he gets up between 7-8am...about one-third of the time he sleeps through the entire night, the rest of the time he usually wakes up between 3-6am for a brief feeding and then goes back down. His morning nap is usually 1-2 hours (except right now, because I actually have a few minutes to chill out...so he's trying to be difficult and started fussing at the 45 minute mark), the afternoon nap usually lasts a little longer. I still nurse him 3-4 times a day, twice a day he takes a bottle and eats food...he's mastered every Stage One fruit and vegetable that Gerber has to offer, and eats rice and oatmeal cereals.

Ava is doing well, and when I can grab a few more minutes besides the limited ones I have right now, I will update the other blog accordingly. ;o) She LOVES preschool, has made friends, and is doing better overall. She doesn't have many tantrums, but she's entered a fairly defiant, argumentative phase. We're working on it.

Okay, nevermind...I'll get back to this later. Homeboy is having a full-blown fit up in his crib.

And by later, I mean in a month or so. *sigh*

A Life Well Loved

What a difference two weeks makes.

In that time, CJ has started to stick his tongue out all the time and make Wookiee noises (much to my amusement), Craig has officially accepted a new position within the same company (something he is really excited about that will not require us to move), and--everything else pales in comparison--the world lost a wonderful soul to cancer. I say "the world" because I cannot claim the loss as my own, she was a positive force in the lives of so many people.

Sarah was a sweet co-worker and friend of mine who was diagnosed with adrenal cortical cancer (which is rare and aggressive) in March of 2010. She had been working with us a little over a year at the time and thought she was having allergic reactions of some kind but the doctors finally found the stage four cancer. From the beginning, Sarah made two very important decisions: First and foremost, she put her trust in God's plan, no matter what. Second, she made up her mind that she was going to fight. Throughout her illness she remained positive and strong--even when the rest of us were feeling discouraged--even though every scan showed the cancer progressing, in spite of chemical and homeopathic treatment. She was absent from work frequently, and as much as she had great subs covering for her, it always broke my heart to open the door between our rooms and see someone else in her seat. On November 6th, about a month or so after stopping treatments and starting hospice, she closed her eyes for the last time. She was with her husband (I don't know him well, but I do know he's a wonderful man and they loved each other deeply) and surrounded by family. Although my heart hurts for them, we should all be so lucky to end our time on earth in the arms of those who love us dearly.

I'm having trouble grasping the concept of her death all at once, instead it comes to me piece by piece. I think about the sound of her voice or hearing her laugh through the wall we shared at work, and I'm fine...I think about how that will never happen again and I cry. I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that she's lighting up Heaven with her laughter, that she now fully understands the plan God had for her life even if she didn't fully understand (even though she accepted it) while here on earth. Maybe it sounds childish, but I often picture her talking to my great-grandmother, who died 5 years ago...grandma says something outrageous, and Sarah laughs. I'm not sure how things work in Heaven, but if they meet I'm sure they will get a kick out of one another. :)

I should have a dozen inspiring Bible verses to quote right now regarding life and death, but all I can think of is a quote from--don't judge me--Dumbledore. Yes, from Harry Potter. "Do not pity the dead...pity the living, and above all, those who live without love." Sarah lived a life full of love: love she received from many others and the love she gave back to them a hundred times stronger. She lived and loved well, so even though I am sad and don't fully understand why she was only given 31 years on earth, I am not angry with God...my faith has not been shaken. When I look at Sarah's life and faith, my own faith is renewed. It's the "peace that passes all understanding."

Sarah, I miss you. I will see you again someday. Love you, girl.

Six Weeks Later

Time sure does fly around here, and the last six weeks have been a blur of sleeplessness, milestones, and a trip to Chicago thrown in for good measure. I will do a brief update and then hopefully a picture post in the next day or two...I can't do it all at once. Here's the breakdown by subject:

Ava...
...continues to be a huge source of entertainment around here. The terrible threes are terrible indeed, but with enough of her crazy humor thrown in to make it survivable. ;o) She's doing much better sleep-wise and behavior-wise now that she's in preschool and we have a much better routine around here, so that's good! My biggest problem with her right now is the willful disobedience: looking me full in the face and saying, "NO!" The other problem is not obeying the first (or second, or third) time I tell her to do something. It drives me NUTS. I am trying to discipline her swiftly and consistently and I talk it over with her constantly (and praise her like crazy when she does make good choices) so hopefully it'll start to sink in.

On a better note, she continues to be pretty good in public (Target, the mall, etc...we don't tempt fate by taking her to restaurants or anything like that) and she's turning into an AWESOME big sister! In spite of the fact that she told me today that she doesn't want CJ because she'd rather have a sister (doesn't every girl with a little brother say that at some point?), she does adore him and is very sweet with him. She sings to him when he cries, plays with him, tries to "help" him, etc. It's wonderful to watch.

CJ...
...is growing up so fast! I'd say "too fast," but a big part of me is ready to sleep like a normal person again so even though I'll be somewhat sad when he's no longer a baby, I'm enjoying it for now but looking forward to the next stage as well. Anyhow, he's now rolling easily from back to front and can occasionally go front to back. He's started rolling onto his tummy for naps and at night, and seems to be sleeping better as a result. A contributing factor to better sleep is that he's now on Zyrtec: after having a "cold" for about six weeks, we went back to the doctor yet again and I pestered the doctor until she finally said that yes, it was okay to try Benadryl or Zyrtec (I told her that our family would not survive another night of sleeplessness due to his incessant coughing and sneezing, and honestly, that probably was not much of an exaggeration. Poor baby!) Ava had allergy issues around this age as well, which she outgrew after a couple of years.

We've also started him on food: so far, just rice cereal and bananas once a day, but I'm adding sweet potatoes tomorrow. Could've done it sooner but I like to wait until Craig is around in case he has an allergic reaction. He's taking two bottles a day (but will only take 3 ounces at a time from a bottle, he's not a big eater) and nursing 3-4 times a day, and seems to be holding steady in the middle of the growth charts. He's still kind of high maintenance about naps/bedtime, but I'm trying to let him cry more and trying not to soothe him to sleep before bed as much so that he learns to self-soothe a little better.

Craig...
...is working his butt off at work and school. He's taking his last three classes and then graduates in December, yay! He'll start an MBA program in the spring or summer, so we will get a few months' break in there, at least from his schoolwork.

Me...
I finally feel like I've settled into life at home. It can be lonely, but it is what it is: I'm starting to meet more moms through preschool and library time, etc, so hopefully soon we'll start hanging out with other people a little more. There's definitely no way I could've handled work AND taking care of my two inconsistent sleepers, so I'm happy for this opportunity to spend a few years raising them and not worrying about an outside career, even though there's a lot I miss.

I'm also exhausted more often than not, so in the interest of getting some rest tonight, I'm going to wrap things up. I guess I'll have to do a blurb on the Chicago trip later. ;o) Nite!

CJ at Four Months

Weight: 15 lbs even (50th percentile)
Height: 24.75 in (45th percentile)

It's funny...everybody I meet always says, "Oh, he's such a big boy!" and yet he's right in the middle: in fact, only in the last few weeks has he started wearing 3-6 month clothes. They should've seen Ava as a baby, always in the 90th+ percentile for height/weight. ;o) 

Overall, I have one happy, healthy baby boy who is right on target developmentally, can't complain about that! Some of his favorite things include riding in the Moby, watching everything Ava does (usually smiling and laughing and looking like he wants her to notice him), putting everything he can grab in his mouth, "talking" all of the time, and when we sing "The Wheels on the Bus." We are crazy about him and so happy he's part of our family. :)

baby clothes and a broken heart

“Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.”

--Elizabeth Stone

I'm trying to collect my thoughts so I can adequately express myself (not one of my strengths), and I've started and deleted the opening sentence half a dozen times already. Last night I had an emotional meltdown brought on by cleaning. Yes...cleaning. More specifically, cleaning out CJ's closet and putting away the newborn clothes he'd outgrown so I could make room for the 3-6 month sizes. I was fine during the sorting process: it was a couple hours later, when I was cleaning up after dinner with CJ snuggled against me in the Moby that I lost it. All at once it hit me...I no longer had a newborn baby and would never have another one. As sweet as he was at that very moment, it would be over in the blink of an eye. I cried for hours, I second-guessed our decision to be done having kids, and I grieved the closing of that chapter of my life. Later this week I have to go through Ava's closet and even though I may get teary, there's just nothing like putting away that first set of baby clothes. I cried years ago when I put away Ava's, but it was different: there was still the possibility that those clothes would be worn again, the knowledge that there would be more newborns (or newborn, singular ;o) in our family. Realizing that's now completely behind us is hitting me harder than I ever expected. In fact, having kids in general has left my emotions in a more tender state than I care to admit, and it seems to be permanent. No matter how many tantrums are thrown, no matter how much sleep is lost, I'm all kinds of crazy for my babies, and watching them grow up is both wonderful and heartbreaking.

 

Yes, I realize it does not have to be behind us--we can have another one! But if I start thinking like that, having babies every time it makes me sad to put away baby clothes, we'll end up with twenty kids. ;o) My moment of weakness, of thinking, "Well, who knows? Maybe in a few years we'll change our minds..." was followed immediately by a flashback of my last pregnancy, and I know I will never do it again. (Unless for some reason Craig suddenly decides he really, really wants a third child...I would do it for him. But he wasn't even sure he wanted a second child so I don't see that happening.) I don't do pregnancy very well, childbirth is a nightmare and the recovery is no picnic, and the first two months of caring for a new baby are layers of bliss sandwiched between slices of sleep-deprived hell. I am so thankful to be undeservedly blessed with two beautiful, healthy children and I'm going to try to enjoy every moment of their childhood and not take it for granted (that does NOT mean I won't whine about stuff...there's no fun in being a big flippin' ray of sunshine 24/7), but as Craig pointed out, we still have a few years before they're really fun. I mean, I'm enjoying them now--the funny things Ava says, CJ being the sweetest baby alive--but in a few years when tantrums and diapers are behind us, it's an entirely different kind of fun. 

 

So, that's what is going through my mind lately...as difficult as it has been to transition from working and having a life to myself to stay-at-home mom, I am not going to take it for granted and am so grateful for this opportunity to spend time with my kids. 

 An over-the-shoulder view of CJ sleeping against me in the Moby. 

 CJ in a sweater knit by one of my mother-in-law's friends: it's gorgeous and soft and snuggly, and will fit a little better in a few months when it's cold out. 

Watching TV one morning in my room...they were both in such a sweet, mellow mood!